Who Are You Really? (And Why Does It Matter?)

Plus, Whitney Cummings Gets Real About Self-Discovery

A Note from Rainn

Hi Soul Boom Generation!

This week's podcast episode features the wise, incisive and (let’s not forget) absolutely hilarious Whitney Cummings. She and I dive deep into the complexities of self-respect, vulnerability, and the journey of self-discovery. Whitney shares her insights on how our sense of self-worth shapes our relationships and why we need to embrace our true selves.

Now let me pause here and ask the question—what even is our true self and how would we recognize it? Our sense of self is something that emerges from our earliest consciousness when we are children and is deeply impacted by our upbringing. Having worked in creative industries for decades now, I can tell you the conversation I had with Whitney is par for the course. Many of us (if not most) had complicated childhoods! So, it’s not surprising that we also discussed child psychology and how becoming a parent has had her look back on her own upbringing in different ways. Also, we talk about a mental “breakdown” she went through during the pandemic. Hey, sometimes you have to go through a breakdown to get to the breakthrough!

As a fitting companion to our episode with Whitney, this edition of the Soul Boom Dispatch features a short essay by author Nicholas Bunney on why self-work is just as crucial as self-care.

Keep stoking that soul fire!

Your pal, 

Rainn Wilson

The Alphabet of Life

By Nicholas Bunney

Societally, it appears that some of the world’s focus has been redirected from working together as a collaborative species towards ideas that are pulling us apart. There’s been a decline in public trust and concerted efforts to attack the credibility of all sources of knowledge. This threatens the common agreement on what is right and wrong, what is true and false. As this bit from Whitney Cummings so hilariously points out, we as a collective don’t have sources of information that are considered trustworthy by all of us.

So, as society continues to fragment, it’s all the more necessary to find ways to explore reality together and discover where our common ground lies. That’s why the conversations Soul Boom is initiating are so important. It's beautiful to be a part of a growing community of people who want to have meaningful conversations about what it means to be alive.

But translating what we learn into action requires daily work. That’s why it’s necessary for us to talk about both the more “spiritual” and nurturing half of being happy AND the less attractive and dirty side that requires consistent effort.

The idea came to me from a Soul Boom clip where Rainn and Neal Brennan discussed how perhaps we need to be careful to not ONLY follow the path of self-compassion, flexibility, low pressure, low frustration, hugs, and kisses side of mental wellbeing. Rainn pointed out that there could be a problem with viewing life solely through that lens (not least of all because it’s unrealistic and creates zero resilience... sometimes causing a “victim mentality”).

This got me thinking about what might be required to balance out this more relaxed approach to add purpose and ownership. A sense of pride that we have earned.

Let us start by looking a little around HAPPINESS.

It’s clear to me that extreme approaches to life (or anything) tend to leave their inhabitants feeling unhappy. Whether it is the extremes of strict diets, eighty—hour work weeks and harsh political views or the excesses of having 15 wives, regular drug use or never brushing your teeth — someone is coming off worse and it’s usually YOU.

The body is always looking for HOMEOSTASIS to keep us alive.

Too cold? Let’s have a little shiver!

Too hot? It’s sweaty butt time!

Our mind is no different. It genuinely desires its own form of “Mental Homeostasis” to keep us balanced and level.

Unfortunately, humans are a little nuts and we will do anything we can to move the needle of our brain with quick dopamine fixes and horribly unhelpful storylines we accumulate and use to judge ourselves. More often than we realize, these mental extremes and the associated negative emotions stem from a sense of self-centeredness and control.

I hear you say “We want to protect our best interests and be happy, what’s wrong with that!?!”

Nothing is actually wrong with that desire – at all. The issue comes from how we respond when this is not the case. Personally, I favor a “C-bomb”  — shouted aloud — followed by a brief period of sulking — then another attempt to make things go my way from a different angle.

This routine, endlessly, for years left me feeling somewhat disappointed that I couldn’t control the world around me.

The point is that a HUGE part of happiness (as taught from Buddha to the Stoics to CBT practitioners to TikTok memes) comes down to understanding what is inside your control and what is not. Then making attempts to let go of the things that you have no say over — including your previous, unhelpful storylines — and getting much needed perspective.

Appreciating your importance in the world as an individual (small) versus your value to the world as part of the whole (huge).

In my book, ABCD, this is called the “AB” side of happiness. Authenticity and Balance working together to take the pressure off, let go of worries/anxieties and stop us pushing ourselves via shame and judgment, into weakened mental health.

Brilliant, that would benefit everyone.

But can it go too far?

Well, if we only take this approach, then perhaps the answer is YES.

Sharing my personal experience: when I focus purely on making life easier for myself, I can stray into a self-centered mindset which, in turn, has an unwanted effect. I hold onto my sense of calm so tightly that, to ensure it, I seek to control everything around me. This can lead to pulling back from other people and focusing inwards.

Basically, I become a prick!

And I’m not the only one.

The trends of victim mindset, and heavily labeling ourselves based on our mental state, are prevalent in much of the content we consume.

“Take me as I am,”

“I tell it how it is,”

“I shouldn’t have to do XYZ because of my ABC,”

“As a person with 123 I find it hard to 789,”

“I’m not willing to hear a different thought on this subject.”

All statements that are perfectly acceptable on their own (well maybe not the last one!).

However, could this line of thought without self-interrogation or balance be stopping us from building RESILIENCE that is so crucial in the life of any human?

I am not talking about the “Go hard or go home!” toughness or the emotionless, robotic, stoicism that promotes extreme behavior in the other direction.

This is the resilience that allows us to be comfortable being uncomfortable (as recovery fellowships call it) and open to change and the opinions of others. High frustration tolerance is key to connectivity with others. We are all so brilliantly idiosyncratic and different that we can only connect and feel the togetherness that enriches the soul — if we are willing to accept others.

In seeking validation and confirmation through adopting a binary “tribe” of self-preservation, we may well be shutting the door on so much more.

Purpose, Service, and Consistency of Values are all tremendous precursors to positive mental well-being. They all involve looking outward for something greater than us — which just so happen to feed into our own level of happiness!

This is the WORK part of “self-work” – the self-discipline to:

• Remember you could be wrong

• Be open to all possibilities

• Be kind

• Accept you must work on happiness

• Find your purpose

• Find consistency in aligning your actions to your values

• Put others first

• Adapt to change

• Continue learning

• Make time for yourself and relaxation (we often forget to)

Sure, this might be a challenge — but it’s worth it. When the body or mind overcomes a challenge, our brain up-regulates dopamine to function as nature’s painkiller. It is why lunatics who have run marathons look elated afterwards.

Regularly facing challenges, and overcoming them, gives us a sense of pride and purpose that comes from an increased baseline of overall contentment.

It’s why it is crucial to have balance between the earlier “AB” side of happiness AND this “CD” side embracing Consistency and Discipline…

It is the Mental Homeostasis we crave.

So, let us take advantage of the body’s craving, and remember that we can have too much of a good thing.

Do not let self-allowance disconnect you from the Human Experience — there is happiness to be found in the WORK of “Self-Work.”

Nicholas Bunney is the author of ABCD: Finding Happiness through Awareness, Values, Principles and Actions. Follow him on Instagram at @abcd_nicholas_bunney.

If you’re a writer and would like to write a short essay for the Soul Boom Dispatch, then drop us a line and pitch your idea via hello@soulboom.com with the subject line “Soul Boom Dispatch Pitch.”