Radha Agrawal Wants You to Belong

A soulful convo with Rainn + and an excerpt from her book!

Greetings, Soul Boom Community!

This week on the Soul Boom podcast, Rainn sits down with the radiant Radha Agrawal—entrepreneur, community architect, and author of Belong.

Radha wants you to know you aren’t alone—or at least don’t have to be. That sentiment comes into focus as she and Rainn explore a core question so many of us wrestle with (especially in this age of hyper-connection and growing isolation): Where do I truly belong? And just as importantly: How do I help others feel they belong too?

At the end of the day, don’t we all long for that place where we’re seen and valued—a place, as the old theme song goes, where “people know people are all the same… where everybody knows your name”?

For Radha, the spark for this book came from a moment of profound realization. She was surrounded by people, yet didn’t feel truly connected. It prompted her to examine what was missing—and what might be possible. Drawing on everything from her own life to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, she makes the case that our understanding of what it takes to thrive has evolved. Today we should understand that belonging isn’t a luxury—it’s foundational. We need meaningful connection just as much as we need food, shelter, and safety.

In the passage we’re excerpting from Belong, Radha explores one of the trickier truths about community: even in the most loving circles, conflict is inevitable. But what if conflict doesn’t have to be a threat to belonging—but instead allows for a deepening of it? She shares a framework she calls Life Language—simple questions to ground us before we speak—as well as unpacking what she calls the Friendship Cycle—a model that reminds us even the most nourishing relationships evolve, and that discomfort doesn’t mean we’ve failed. It can mean we’re growing​… together.

So if you’ve ever felt FOBLO (Fear Of Being Left Out), struggled to reconnect after friction, or just want a more loving roadmap for your relationships—this one’s for you.

Cheers,

The Soul Boom Team

Reframe and Embrace Conflict

The Friendship Cycle, Avoiding FOBLO, and Eradicating Gossip

From Belong: Find Your People, Create Community, and Live a More Connected Life

By Radha Agrawal

This is where the rubber meets the road. Conflict, and dealing with it gracefully, is Community Architecture 2.0. As a sensitive and passionate half-Indian, half-Japanese, French Canadian woman, this is where I’ve struggled the most. Fire courses through my veins, and there’s no question that my parents (specifically my dad—hi, Dad!) set the tone for how I deal with conflict. It’s been my biggest challenge and I’ve synthesized the lessons I’ve learned over the years into the big ideas that follow. They’ve helped me tremendously, and I hope they will lessen the struggle of inevitable conflict for you.

EMPATHY FIRST

I often feel misunderstood. As an employer and a CEO, everything I say is recorded and taken seriously. I’m certainly not always right, and I often say the wrong thing. If I’m trying to give constructive feedback to a team member when I haven’t eaten lunch, have a meeting with my accountant in an hour, and have three people texting and calling me at the same time, it’s hard for the words to come out in the way I want them to. Also, my team member may be going through stuff too and will be receiving my feedback differently than I intended based on a host of reasons. We forget that there’s more to every conversation than the one we’re actually having.

LIFE LANGUAGE

My friend and fellow Community Architect David… and I spent an afternoon at my office workshopping all the ways we could deal with conflict personally and professionally. We both run companies and deal with personalities every day, so it was an especially productive and interesting conversation. What we realized is that it’s not about conflict resolution itself—it’s about considering where each person is when they’re coming into a conversation in the first place. Since then, I’ve spent months refining our brainstorm into three questions that I call our Life Language—it’s a simple language for how to approach any life conversation and have more empathy and understanding for where the person is before you meet them. Consider the following three questions before you enter any conversation with your friend, employee, colleague, or community member, and remember that these three questions are applicable to both of you, so you have six variables to consider:

1. WHERE AM I IN LIFE?—What does your overall life picture look like right now? Health? Finances? Family? Community? Job? Did you just relocate? Break up with a boyfriend? Lose your job? Get a new job? What’s in your backpack?

2. WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?—How’s your state of mind in the present moment? How’s your human meat suit doing? Are you hungry? Are you stressed? Did you just have a fight with a loved one this morning? Are you late for your meeting?

3. WHERE AM I WITH YOU?—How’s our relationship? Are we getting along right now? Are we tense? Do I feel betrayed or hurt? How well do we know each other? Am I at ease? Nervous? Are you someone I admire?

I’ve certainly been in many conversations in which each of these Life Language questions was impacting the conversation on both sides but neither of us addressed it. When we’re not seeing, sharing, or even considering the full picture, misunderstanding happens. Society has placed so many rules on what should be shared and what is oversharing, what is appropriate and inappropriate, and we all have different interpretations based on our upbringing and past experiences. The more open and vulnerable we are with one another, the more we will understand each other and the more connected we will feel. As soon as I realized this, I started giving myself and anyone I was interacting with permission to be open with these questions. We would share where we were in life, in the moment and with each other. It allowed any tension or discomfort to just lift. Now, when a team member (or any friend) shares that they’re PMS-ing or didn’t get enough sleep the night before and are feeling tired, or they got into an argument with their mom, I know how best to communicate with them. We have built an office culture where we don’t abuse this freedom or use it as an excuse to stay at home or do a poor job, but we can cry in front of each other (as CEO—Chief Emotional Officer, I cry all the time) and can share our feelings passionately without holding things against one another. Communication can be messy, and the more we understand each other’s Life Language the more empathy, belonging, and connection we will feel.

FOMO, FOBLO, AND JOMO

We all know and have felt FOMO—Fear of Missing Out. When friends post on social media that they went somewhere and you had the opportunity to go but didn’t, you think, “Ahhhh, I wish I could have been there!” That’s the fun kind of FOMO —the one you could have gone to but chose not to go. Of course, there’s the FOMO in which you feel it’s probably not a good idea to go, but you go because you just don’t want to miss out. That can be great, or it can rule your life. FOMO gets managed the more you know your own colorful rainbow and get comfortable with yourself.

The FOMO we’re all ashamed of talking about is FOBLO—Fear of Being Left Out. Being left out at any age is painful and makes us want to crawl into our beds and ask ourselves if all our friends hate us. Why weren’t we invited? As pack animals, we like to be included. Yet we never talk about it when we’re left out. Pride gets in the way. We resent or talk negatively about the person who didn’t invite us. We make up stories in our own heads. Social media has also made FOBLO very real. We can see everything that we weren’t invited to and it can hurt when friends we care about are involved. It’s why studies have shown that scrolling through social media makes us less happy. Studies have also shown that our brain processes pain from rejection in the same way it processes physical pain, like having a broken bone. Social rejection can also bring on feelings of depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, and jealousy.

If it’s so common, why is being left out so shameful and, as my British friend Philip says, “not to be talked about”? What if we made #FOBLO a thing we acknowledged? Let’s take out the shame and talk about it. But good news! FOBLO can be reversed!

HERE ARE NINE WAYS TO OVERCOME FOBLO:

ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU’RE FEELING FOBLO IN THE FIRST PLACE. We typically ignore painful feelings, busy ourselves, and pretend they’re not there instead of acknowledging them. But when you don’t acknowledge your feelings, they become amplified and you end up getting more upset. Once you actually face your feelings, you may realize, “Wait a minute, I rarely hang out with or call this person, why would they invite me?” or “What am I getting so upset about? It’s one event. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” It may be human nature to imagine the worst—“They don’t care about me!”—but being objective about reality is often much simpler and more empowering. If it’s still bothering you, get Gently Self-Aware about how you’ve been showing up for this friend. Are you often negative? A shit talker? Or positive and participatory? When you’re together, are you making an effort to connect? If you’re not part of their day-to-day life and aren’t checking in regularly, chances are it’s not about you! And if they’re maliciously excluding you to make you feel bad, they are the ones who will feel bad in the end, because that behavior always catches up with the perpetrator.

TALK ABOUT IT! BE VULNERABLE. Send your friend a note that says “#FOBLO—did you forget about me?” Bring it up courageously and share your feelings without accusing them.

REMEMBER: IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! Sometimes, humans just want to hang out with other humans, and that’s totally cool. It can be freeing to realize that you’re not the center of the universe. Do your own thing! The world is exciting—new adventures await.

YOU’RE EXACTLY WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE. Yes, it’s a bit philosophical, but when you recognize your awesomeness, hang out with your cheerleading Green Ego, and know that the energy was meant to flow this way, you’ll find that it’s incredibly liberating to know that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

CHECK IN WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. When we don’t know our own self-worth and we depend on others to feel good about ourselves, this is when we experience FOBLO the most. Recognize your unique gifts and go find something else to do! Go back to the Gratitude Exercise…and think of three things you’re grateful for in this moment.

FOCUS ON SELF-CARE. Release your D.O.S.E.! Exercise, dance in front of the mirror, take a hot bath, call someone, go get a juice, meditate, meet up with other friends. This is YOUR time now—create your own beautiful moment.

RELEASE ALL EXPECTATIONS. When you have expectations, you’re going to feel resentful and will experience FOBLO. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. Also, think about what level in the Four Stages of Community you’re in with this friend. If your Inner Core Community makes you feel FOBLO regularly, it’s time to think about whether this person should be in your Inner Core. You should feel comfortable enough to call them and honestly ask, “Hey, was there a reason I wasn’t invited?” If it’s anyone from your Exploratory, Participatory, or Outer Core Community who hasn’t invited you, you shouldn’t have any expectations to be invited.

THROW YOUR OWN DINNER PARTY OR EVENT! A fellow Community Architect, Alison, and I always joke around about this: We create community for two reasons—to connect the world and so we’re not left out! Hosts don’t feel FOBLO by definition. So create your own experience and be courageously inclusive of even those who didn’t include you. Your world will open up.

USE FOBLO AS A LESSON. Maybe you didn’t realize how much this friend meant to you, and this feeling is a clue that you want to get closer. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t feel FOBLO in the first place! Use this experience to inspire you to reach out in the future and connect more meaningfully.

When you overcome FOBLO, you will experience JOMO—Joy of Missing Out. You’re happy and content to be exactly where you are.

Also, sometimes the best way to get over feeling FOBLO is to make others feel welcomed and included. Go out of your way to make an experience better. Don’t just show up…enhance any experience! Bring food and playful gifts!

The Friendship Cycle

As someone who is naturally nostalgic, I’ve had to learn the beauty of the fact that all friendships evolve. My nostalgia has led me to some heartache about the way friendships have changed, but as I studied it in society and in my life and my friends’ lives, I observed five phases that most friendships cycle through—what I call the Friendship Cycle. The goal is for you to know that you’re not alone in feeling all these things and that friendships naturally go through life cycles. Not every friendship goes through every stage, and that’s fine too.

Gestation

To even get to the Gestation phase, you want to feel an Equal Energy Exchange. It exists in a brand-new relationship that you’re excited about and actively want to invest in. These friendships are rare, so gut-check here. Don’t go through this Friendship Cycle with just anyone. It takes a lot of emotional energy (and life is busy with family, school, work, kids, etc.), so choose wisely! This stage is when you’ve met a new friend who aligns with your values and interests, really sees you for who you are, and fills up your tank. You’re shiny-eyed and everything is rosy and fun and exciting and new! You have a new friend!

Frustration

This is the phase where we get past our “best behavior” and begin forming real opinions about our new friend and start establishing our authentic voice in the relationship. Maybe you get into an argument about political beliefs. You see something about your new friend that rubs you the wrong way. Know that this is natural!! We lose a little excitement at this phase and are ready to challenge each other to establish the boundaries of our relationship. Unless we take the time and explore each other’s Life Languages, it can sometimes end the friendship. Our Red Egos, which are fearful and competitive, can take over and we start hanging out with the Mean Girls, judging and comparing ourselves to our new friend. It takes patience, curiosity, communication, vulnerability, courage, and intention to get through this phase and recognize the beauty and rarity of this magical friendship. Don’t run away. Get curious, Go IN, and do the work to gently go through your own stuff. If this person filled up your Energy Tank and you felt an authentic connection, trust your animal instinct and don’t throw in the towel too easily.

The best antidote for frustration and conflict is acknowledgment. Let your Red Ego go and acknowledge your friend’s feelings by first empathizing with what they’re experiencing and then share your feelings vulnerably. We’re all learning and growing! Challenge each other to look at the present and the future. Don’t reread text messages from the past—in fact, don’t use texting for a sensitive subject. Not only is tone lost in texting, but then you have a written record of how we were feeling just in that moment, which may change right after you hit send. Talk to your friend human to human!

Note: In rare cases, we can skip the Frustration phase and go straight to Cooperation!

Cooperation

This sounds good, right? It is! It’s when we take real time to get to know each other and understand, respect, and embrace our differences. We’ve successfully moved through the Frustration phase and can start trusting each other. We are energized by the friendship and our joy is greater than in the Gestation period because we’ve been through conflict and come out on the other side. We start spending more time together and feel an Equal Energy Exchange again. This is the stage of bonding, adventures, and deeper satisfaction.

Creation

This phase is magic!

It’s our highest-energy phase. We feel creative energy in our trust and respect for one another. We’re hanging out with our Green Egos and Soul Sisters and are ready to take on the world. This phase moves beyond the fun of hanging out. When you create something with a deep, true friend with whom you’ve overcome conflict successfully, the rewards fill your life. Whatever you’ve heard about not creating or being in business with friends is silly and a thing of the past. No matter what, we’re going to evolve anyway, so why not create stuff together? Life is far more interesting and exciting when you do! That said, the creation phrase is always trial and error. Sometimes you will work seamlessly together, and other times the frustration phase recurs more often than what you’re comfortable with. Communication and acknowledgment will always help you through this.

Evolution

As with everything in life, nothing stays the same. All communities and relationships evolve and change. When you sense it happening, rather than thinking “this isn’t what it used to be,” consider this: It’s never supposed to be what “it used to be”! Everything evolves, including communities and relationships, and it’s a beautiful thing! Let’s learn to embrace that!…

Some friendships will evolve together beautifully and bring you closer together and some will naturally drift apart. I used to get really sad when friends evolved in different directions, and mourning is a natural thing for us sensitive humans. But now I focus on gratitude for the time we had together and am excited for our respective journeys, whatever direction they take! They may even take you back to the Gestation phase with the same friend, later on. But there will also be someone new you can do this with. Ideally, we go around and around the friendship cycle all our lives.

Ultimately, when you go through the Friendship Cycle, you will feel a deeper sense of belonging with your friend and community.

Poor soil for growth: Communicating through screens

When we communicate in person, or at least by voice, we can feel immediate energetic reactions. Communicating through screens where we can’t see each other limits understanding and empathy. If you are dealing with a conflict by text and email, acknowledge that you’re bringing a whole new set of challenges to the issue.

If you must proceed through texting, take these things into account:

• When and where your friend is when sending you a message.

• Whether your words are properly translating your authentic energy and how you actually feel. Take your time, reread, and breathe before you press send on a text message!

• Whether your energy is organized or disorganized based on your physical state. (Are you hungry? Tired? Stressed? Overcommitted? Lost?)

• If someone is from another city/state/country and may be receiving your words through their own unique filter and not fully understanding you.

Eradicating Gossip

When we gossip, it feels crappy on all sides. So why do we do it? And better question yet, why do we love it?

According to anthropologists, gossip has been a way for us to bond with others throughout human history and is sometimes used as a tool to isolate those who aren’t contributing to the greater whole. According to a study by social psychologist Laurent Bègue, about 60 percent of conversations between adults are about someone who isn’t present, most often passing judgment.

There are moments when sharing frustrations about a friend or colleague with one or two confidantes can offer a perspective on how to deal with someone you care about. It can get your thoughts out of your own head and resolve the issue. When we’re trying to find a solution or gain perspective on how to handle another friend’s frustrating or bad behavior, I call it Positive Gossip.

When we feel competitive, threatened, envious, sad, hurt, or frustrated by another human or community, Negative Gossip is often what we turn to. Our Red Egos and Mean Girls take over. I’ve been the victim of Negative Gossip, as well as the aggressor when I was fearful, competitive, and wanting to feel better about myself.

In each case, it impacted my health, productivity, and happiness. Negative Gossip can lead to mistrust, which can lead to isolation, which can lead to physical and emotional unhappiness. It’s the gateway to bullying…

If we can turn a Judgment (Mean Girl Moment) into Curiosity (Soul Sister Moment), we would undoubtedly be more empathetic and kind. It may be less juicy than dramatically telling a story, but it physically and emotionally feels better for you afterward and creates an environment of kindness, trust, and possibility instead of fear and judgment. And don’t forget , the more you gossip, the more likely that you’ll be a target of gossip too! If we can’t avoid it, let’s at least start shifting the way we gossip. And once you start putting kindness first and leave the fear behind, the energy you invested in Negative Gossip can be focused on self-development instead. You won’t need to put others down in order to feel good. And ultimately, getting along is way more fun!

Conflict is unavoidable. If we can learn to look at conflict as an opportunity to grow and deepen our connection to others, we will learn to respect these moments of discomfort and stare them down courageously and with an open ear. No one wants to be the victim of gossip, and it never feels good when we put down our friends. Fear, Conflict, and Empathy are closely tied.

Being gently aware of our triggers, fears, and sensitivities will help us move through any moments of frustration and misunderstanding into a space of belonging and connection.

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Excerpt from Belong: Find Your People, Create Community, and Live a More Connected Life by Radha Agrawal.

Radha Agrawal is an entrepreneur, community architect, and founder of Daybreaker, the global morning dance movement that brings people together through joy, wellness, and connection. She is also the co-founder of THINX and the Belong Center, a nonprofit dedicated to building a culture of belonging and addressing the loneliness epidemic. Her work sits at the intersection of design, activism, and human connection, helping people architect the kinds of communities that allow us to flourish—together.

So what about you? What does belonging look like in your life—and how can you help someone else feel they belong too?